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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24942274">Oven Chips</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnakeHat/pseuds/SnakeHat'>SnakeHat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>1970s, Arthur and Merlin, Bikes, Gen, I'm not too bright, Liverpool, M/M, Shit, and rainbow, bRighTest ToOls, did people watch rainbow, do people like kermit?, everybody likes kermit, it's not about kid's tv, kermit - Freeform, kermit references, muppets - Freeform, not the brightest tools in the box, the bastard..., there's no muppets, this isn't about him, with zippy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:33:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,324</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24942274</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnakeHat/pseuds/SnakeHat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Snakes, Bikes and Automobiles, that's a much better title</p><p>It's Merlin.</p><p>If Merlin was on Channel 4.</p><p>Alright, so a couple of other things have changed: no dragons, no magic, it's in Liverpool, it's the 1970s and it's only slightly more gay than the original show</p><p>Mainly, it's on Channel 4 with a dash of BBC for the This Country vibes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gwen &amp; Morgana (Merlin), Knights of the Round Table &amp; Merlin (Merlin), Merlin &amp; Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Oven Chips</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Me Dad said no.” Shoes red with brick dust, Arthur perched on the wall crumbling the cement.</p><p>“Your Dad put oven chips in the toaster.” Shrapnel nicked Merlin’s forehead. “Get your bike.”</p><p>“We got mocks, Merls.”</p><p>“Gwen’s there.” A Belle Vue poster peeled away from the wall. “In a catsuit.”</p><p>Arthur stole away, showering Merlin in dirt.</p><p>“Bastard!”</p><p>‘The Pendragon Estate’. Just enough concrete slabs for a deckchair in the garden, it weren’t a stately home. His house, down the road, might have been a couple of feet smaller, only Uther had splashed out on a burglar alarm so you thought there was more to steal than chipped china and a whistling TV set. At the end of the day, eating Golden Dragon takeout, they weren’t Prince Philip.</p><p>“Lose the mack, Big Bird!”</p><p>With a holler, he was off, hounding Arthur over the crest of the hill onto his slalom course. Mrs. Friar’s string of expletives was lost in his tailwind. The goalie didn’t land his punch when they brushed past his upturned bin and the mother never caught the kids who freaked her baby, they’d ducked into a side street. Merlin pulled up next to Arthur as he dodged a fire hydrant.</p><p>“Me Gran will be there soon.”</p><p>“Your massive arse is just fast down the hill.”</p><p>Merlin nudged his front wheel, sending him into the kerb and took to the road again pedalling fast enough to see all the houses become one. Heyworth Street. Arthur’s brakes squealed on the corner. Couldn't fix it, though. You could give him a spanner and he’d make four dents in your car and a bomb crater in your garden. Left by the church. Mind Jerry!</p><p>“It’s not five points for an OAP.”</p><p>Onto Northumberland. Gaggle of girls. Arthur pulled onto his back wheel. Maybe he was missing the allure, or the years, or maybe it was because he swore going over a pothole but he weren’t meant to get wolf-whistled. Left onto Havelock and emergency stop. Arthur hurled into his handlebars.</p><p>Their bikes collapsed, wheels up. Merlin ducked a fist up to the doorway. Glass shatters. He kicked them to the side, chucked the sodden newspaper in the bins. Gwaine’s house: the bloody circus. Arthur rapped on the door.</p><p>“How’d you get your Dad to come round?” Merlin picked up the rubbish lid, blown away in the wind.</p><p>“Family Fortunes and White Lightning.” Wiping the skin of dirt off the letterbox, Arthur touched up his hair in the reflection. “Family Fortunes and White Lightning.”</p><p>“I could do it, kick the door in.” He measured it up, like he did a tattooed bouncer. “I can do anything Sean Connery can.”</p><p>“Arthur Pendragon: ‘Double O Dickhead.” Merlin chipped away at the paint. “The Man with the Moldy Cock.”</p><p>“I can drive a speedboat.”</p><p>“Bollocks! You can’t steer your bike. You cut me off at Northumberland.”</p><p>“The inside line was faster.”</p><p>“Me Aunt Beth was faster.”</p><p>“Gwaine!” Closed window. A sofa was seen through the grime. “He’s out. Let’s go.”</p><p>“If you could drive a speedboat, like, you wouldn’t be riding that piece of shit round. You’d get a Shadow.” Merlin pulled Gwaine’s bike out of the weeds eating away at the side alley, tossing it onto the pile on the pavement. “Go round back.”</p><p>A cupboard fell down stairs. Or Gwaine. Mumbled shouts echoed around the corridor. A shoe thudded against the glass. They toppled over each to get to the door.</p><p>“I’ve got a hangover!”</p><p>Merlin’s Dad used to take him to the zoo when he was small, the zookeepers jabbed at the big cats to keep them away from the children. Now he was being poked away with an umbrella, through a letterbox.</p><p>“Get a move-!” Arthur began playing different parts of the door as a percussion set.</p><p>“Fuck off!” Gwaine’s Dad. At the volume of a Norwegian death metal band.</p><p>“We’re fucking leaving!” Gwaine roared back, snatching a beige jacket off the stairs. A pair of soiled boxers lay beneath it. “Pick up your fucking pants!” He flew out the door, tossing the keys behind him.</p><p>“Alright?” Arthur locked up.</p><p>Gwaine gave him the finger, scrambling down the side of the house.</p><p>“I picked it up.” Merlin waited on the pavement, holding his bike up and together. He twisted the front wheel. Gwaine stood there, boots sinking into the moss. The keys jangled. He leaned the bike to his mate.</p><p>“Alright, Big Bird.”</p><p>Arthur lost it and then the fist fight, when Merlin pushed a pedal into his shin. They left in a chorus of rubbing brakes and rusting chains, doing Merlin’s head in.</p><p>“What’s wrong with me coat?”</p><p>Arthur nudged him in the shoulder. With one hand steering, his bike had an aneurism going round the corner. Yeah, right, he could drive a speedboat. “We’re just messing with you.”</p><p>“Zippy.”</p><p>“It’s not fucking funny.” Gwaine weren’t listening, too busy digging around his Dad’s jacket. “I want to look nice for your Mum.”</p><p>“She don’t date muppets like you.”</p><p>“I bet she’d do Kermit.” Coming to halt, Arthur looked to Merlin. Left or right?</p><p>“If Kermit had a huge cock and a BMW, I’m sure she would, mate!" Right, at Gwaine’s lead. "I’m sure she would.”</p><p>“Her boyfriend” Merlin started. “looks like the scraggly one, you know like, the one - the one, come on Arthur, you know the one, plays the drums, got a screw loose, like.” Should’ve gone left. Side streets were full of kids and parents and middle-aged women coming out of dance. Dancing women. Fucking hell, Gwaine.</p><p>“The red one? Oh yeah… He does as well. It’s the beard, isn’t it?” Arthur was gliding along, ceasing to pedal, to let Gwaine pull up behind them. Gwaine didn’t want to pull up. Gwaine wanted to pull the peroxide blonde trading jokes with him.</p><p>“And he’s a flaming ginger!” They waited at the kerb, you couldn’t leave Gwaine with a tango class. They’re all married and having mid-life crises, give them a break. Cuff on the face, hurry up. Punch in the stomach!</p><p>“Me Dad saw him down the pub. He took snake venom. Neat.” Arthur slapped him on the back under the cover of affection.</p><p>“Andrew got the snake venom in this morning, did he? From Randy the fucking python! Keeps it under the counter!”</p><p>Merlin lost hold of his bike, crouching over himself in bubbles of laughter. Arthur puffed his cheeks out.</p><p>“I don’t question it.”</p><p>“No, I wouldn’t either when he’s got a fucking snake!” With all the self-awareness of a pebble on crack, Gwaine sped ahead.</p><p>“Alright, girls. Keep it down.” In jerks of trembling laughing, Merlin’s wheels were back on the road.</p><p>“He’s a fucking tool!” Gwaine thundered, smashing his fist into the handlebars.</p><p>“Just get the booze, like. We’ll meet you there.” Toddler. With an ID. A fake ID. Cycling off to the offie to get enough alcohol to kill a horse. “Randy the fookin’ python!”</p><p>“He’s a fookin’ to-” Percival and Elyan! Everybody’s favourite bear-sized man and his side-show, The Only 17-Year Old With A Car Because He Knows What All The Sticks Are For. “Where’s Lance?”</p><p>“Where’s Gwaine?” Elyan nodded down the street, where he’d just stuck out a finger at a kid on a BMX.</p><p>“Men in white coats got him.”</p><p>“Playing footie, trying to pull Gwen.” Percy said. “Bloody miracle, she hasn’t taken a swing at him. He bought her fucking dandelions, like.”</p><p>“He’s trying it on!” Arthur shouted. “With Gwen!”</p><p>“Just show her your speedboat.”</p><p>“I can drive one, don’t have one, Merls. If I had one-”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“If I had one,” Arthur started, winding his bike round in a zig-zag. “I wouldn’t ride around with you specials.”</p><p>“Then pass your fucking driving test, like, and you can show her your flash new car.” Elyan. Always rubbing it in. Twat.</p><p>“Meet us at nine, lads.”</p><p>“We got mocks.”</p><p>“Just meet us at nine.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tell me if you want another chapter, my national insurance number, if you got a pet frog, or you'd like to burn my house down</p></blockquote></div></div>
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